HOW TO TALK TO KIDS SO KIDS WILL LISTEN & LISTEN SO KIDS WILL TALK

How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk

 Parents often automatically deny their child's feelings by saying something like "Oh, you don't really feel that way", "You can't be tired, you just had a nap", or "You're not hot! It's cold; wear a sweater". This can confuse and enrage kids, teaching them that they do not know what they are feeling, and not to trust themselves. You can put yourself in your child's shoes by asking yourself "What if I was a child who was tired, hot, angry, etc, and I wanted an important adult in my life to know how I felt?"

To Help Children Deal with Their Feelings :

1. Listen quietly and with your full attention
2. Acknowledge the child's feelings with a word such as "oh", "hmm", or "I see"
3. Give the feeling a name: "That sounds frustrating" or "You sound really angry"
4. Give the child her wishes in a fantasy: "I wish I had 100 cookies to give you!"

Children need to have their feelings accepted, respected, and acknowlaged-not agreed with. A few words of acceptance can soothe feelings and dramatically change your child's mood.

The attitude in which you talk to your children is as important as the words used. They need a compassionate attitude that conveys "You are a loving and capable person".

Hold off on giving advice, as this deprives children of the experience of developing their own solutions.Being permissive of feelings is not the same as being permissive of actions: "I can see you are really mad at your brother, but tell him with your words, not your fists."

Negative emotions are more tempting for parents to deny or ignore jlkjlk.

Sometimes it may be helpful for your child if you identify that he may have 2 or more different feelings about the same situation: "It seems to me that you have 2 different feelings about going away to camp. You are excited to see your friends, but you are scared to be away that long."

Many children cannot explain "why" they feel a certain way. They may find it more helpful to hear "I see that you are angry" rather than "Why are you angry? What happend ?"  

If you simply say "I understand how you feel" your child may not believe you, but if you say "I know that the first day of school can be scary" she will know you do understand.

If your child says something like "I hate you" that upsets you, you can say something like "I don't like what I just heard. I know you are angry at me, but you need to tell me in another way".

For some children, physical activity such as punching a pillow, running circles, or scribbling may help ease intense emotions.

If you make a mistake when dealing with your child's emotions, go back and try again. If you incorrectly identify your child's feeling, she will correct you.

Cautions :

- Children usually do not like their exact words to be repeated back to them.
- If your child prefers not to take while she's upset just sit with her.
- Most children want a response from their parent that feels "real", like their parent is in the moment with them.
- It is not helpful to respond with more intensity than the child feels.
- Don't repeat the names children may call themselves. Instead of "You're not stupid" say something like "It can be discouraging when you don't get the grade you wanted."